I've been saying I wanted to post an update since I wrote my last post, but I haven't gotten around to it. Partly because I am busy, and partly because I think I haven't wanted to face the emotion again. It was helpful to write about it last time, but it is hard for me to be that vulnerable.
I told Brian, and my SIL, Emily, that I didn't realize until last week that having a miscarriage means that literally a part of you has died. I feel like that part was part of my brain. Pregnancy brain is serious stuff, but I think that miscarriage brain is just so much worse. I forget everything, but I am also violently angry at times for forgetting things. When I was pregnant, I would forget everything, but I feel I just adopted a "Meh" feeling towards the memory loss.
Have you ever felt like you could go either way on an issue? Like you could really understand both sides, and you just didn't know which side to choose? I have taken this idea to the extreme. I am becoming two very different people. Some days, I feel like I am fine. Sad, but fine. I can do this. I do my house work, I do my work-work, I mother my children, I go about my daily life, and in most ways nothing has even changed. I am sad about what happened, but I see the good things that are coming from this and I know that soon I will try again and have another baby.
But, there is also a very different me. One who can't see a way past this. Who doesn't understand why this had to happen, or even why she was so set on having this baby to begin with. She just wants the pain to stop. She wants to scream at passers by that her heart is broken. She wants her mom to come and hold her and tell her it will be alright. She wants to lay in bed all day watching old movies. Okay, that last part is true every day...
You know, it's interesting. I find that even though I was very sad when my mom died, I have actually come a long way, and find that I don't miss her very often. I am not one of those people who frequently needed their mommy. But, I find that has changed now. My mother went through three miscarriages between me and my little brother. I don't know how she did it. I know she kept trying because she felt like Jake was coming and she had to let him. But, I can't fathom that kind of emotional strength right now. I met a lady once who had had 17 miscarriages and 3 live births. I have been trying to wrap my brain around that since I met her, and, frankly, it seems even harder to understand now.
I am very thankful that I do not seem to be resenting my children. However, I do find that their crying, their fighting, their pawing me, and their accidentally hitting mommy in the face routines are getting very old. Every day it seems I need to hide out in my room for a little while because I can't take it. They don't understand that I can't be there for them right now. I don't understand it myself. I turn into mean mommy way too often these days. But, I am hopeful that I am getting better. Normally, I have a little down time every day where I can watch something. That's how I unwind. That's how I process. I haven't really had that time lately.
I have been really stressed because Brian hasn't had a lot of time off of work and there were so many things I wanted to get done before he had to go back. We got a lot of it done, but yesterday, his last day off, we didn't do much of anything. I took a mental health day, and it took me far too long to realize that that was a good use of his time off. It was helpful, it really was! But, I think I got backed up. Not being able to release day to day stresses gets hard enough, but add to those what I have been going through, and the pressure can be unbearable.
I have several Fangirl Facebook pages that I am a part of, and, luckily, they are a phenomenal support system for me. No matter what any of us go through, we are all there to listen. It's actually really amazing the bond I have created with these women, most of whom I have never met. I posted today in the Mommy group about feeling like maybe I am dealing with some postpartum depression here. I can't be sure because I never had that with either of my kids before. They recommended I talk to my OB and possibly get a therapist. I want to, but I am hesitant.
See, the part of me that is "fine" just tells the other part of me to stop being such a baby. She says lots of women go through this and they are fine. She tells me those women didn't need professional help and neither do I. But, what does she know? Nobody ever talks about miscarriages. How would either of me know what "most women" do when this happens? I want to talk about miscarriages more. I wish I had known what I know now before I had had miscarriages. It might have helped me prepare. It might not have, but I guess now we will never know.
Our Family
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
A Rough Christmas
I want to tell you a story. A really long story. Not because I think you need to hear it, so much as I just need to tell it.
***WARNING***
This is going to be sad. It's going to get to places that are TMI. If you don't think you can handle this story, stop reading.
I have never been a private person. I will tell you pretty much anything, if you ask. And, some even if you don't. I hate being alone. I have never in my whole life wanted to be alone. Until now. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I am not handling it very well.
I have to start at the very beginning. This story basically took all year. At the beginning of this year, I had basically decided that I wanted to start trying for our 3rd child in August. July came and I had some weird pain. The doctor sent me in for an MRI. They discovered my IUD was stuck in my uterus and needed to be removed.
Obviously, this was sucky. But, I thought to myself how wonderful! A sign that I am supposed to start trying in August, just like I had thought all this time!
Brian was less sure. He didn't feel ready, and I should have listened more to his feelings on the matter. By the end of September I had finally convinced him we were ready, and the longer we waited past August, the more sad I got that it wasn't happening. I was being very selfish in the whole deal, but he suffered it "as no one could have." as Knightley says.
My periods were right on time until November. When it was late after having been so punctual before, I started taking pregnancy tests right away. Each one came back negative. My heart hurt to much to really understand this. I took a new pregnancy test every 4-5 days. I couldn't understand why I wasn't having a period, or, apparently, a baby.
I looked up how a pregnancy test might come back as a false negative. They were not good answers. The reason that scared me the most was Ectopic pregnancy. This kind of pregnancy is super dangerous for the mother and the baby. I knew this was a risk with multiple c-sections, but I thought I had a couple more pregnancies before this really became a concern. I was panicked. I kept taking the pregnancy tests until Saturday, November 26th, when I finally got a positive. I felt a little relieved. But, I started to have weird pain. Not much, but just enough that I thought I should go see the doctor on Monday. On Monday, November 28th, I went in to see the doctor. I told him my last period was the very beginning of October, but that I didn't get the positive test until two days ago. He was concerned. He said either I ovulated 4 weeks late, or I was having an ectopic pregnancy, or I was about to have a miscarriage.
I hadn't even considered a miscarriage.
I kept calm. He wanted to check my hcg levels in my blood. I was supposed to get the normal blood work done that day, and come back Wednesday to see how much higher the levels were. In a normal pregnancy, your hcg levels go up by 1.5 times every two days.
I went to get my blood drawn, but I am a very hard stick, and generally dehydrated. The poor girl stuck me twice, and then said that was her limit and I should go home and hydrate and come back the next day.
I did not come back the next day. I had a lot of things to do that day, and I am sure they were all super important at the time, but I can't remember any of them. Then, that afternoon, James head butted me hard, on the nose, and gave me a concussion. .....Yay.... The week was off to a great start.
I went in the next day and there was a guy on duty. He stuck me about 2 times before calling in a nurse who had more experience. She stuck me about 3 times. The last time was what she called "a blind stick". Yes, thank you. That doesn't make me nervous at all.... But, she got it. I had bruises up and down my arms, but she got it. If there is one thing that gives away that you are pregnant before you are ready to tell people, it's massive bruises up and down your arms from your blood work. Luckily, I had the cold as an excuse for long sleeves.
I came back on Friday. The poor guy saw me and got nervous all over again. It took him a couple of tries, but he got it on his own. For the second draw they only needed half a tube. (For the first they needed 5 tubes.) So, that was nice.
The doctor called and told me that my levels went from 1500 (or maybe he said 15,000?) to 1800 (thousand?) in two days. He was starting to be very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday. On Sunday I started spotting. On Monday, we went in and they did an abdominal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said there was something that could be a gestational sac, but it was only measuring 5 weeks and the date of my last period suggested it should be measuring at 9 weeks. It's too early on to hear a heartbeat or anything, that heavens, or this might all have been a lot harder.
The doctor called on Tuesday, December 6th, and told me he was really upset with the tech for not doing a vaginal ultrasound, which I guess was better for telling if it's an ectopic pregnancy. He said as far as they could tell there was no internal bleeding. The doctor wanted me to come back and do another ultrasound the next day. The tech would be in his office that day, and he could come in for the ultrasound. He also wanted to get more blood drawn and see what the hcg levels were doing at this point. So, on Wednesday I was going to go in by myself, but I was in too much pain to drive. My amazing sister, Shannon, was watching the kids every day that I went to the doctor. (Which was 6 times in 10 days...) Brian had to take off some work time and go in with my because, I found out later, I was having contractions.
It may sound silly to you that I was having contractions and didn't know it, when I have already had two kids. But, I only had contractions with James and only after having an epidural. So, really, I had no idea what labor was really like. Yikes. It was painful.
The ultrasound proved there was no pooling of blood internally, and it for sure wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. Yay! But, they were also pretty sure based on the blood work that I was having a miscarriage. Not so yay. I went home and went through some more excruciating labor, and finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I jumped in a hot shower where I finally got some relief. After that, something weird came out, and I assumed it was the sac. Then there was no more pain. I called the doctor and told him I had passed the sac. He asked if I still had it. "Um... No? Why would I keep it?!" I thought to myself. He told me to rest and to take another at home pregnancy test after the bleeding had stopped, just to make sure there wasn't still going to be a pregnancy.
That night we called and told my in laws and asked my MIL to come help with the kids the next day. And, I went to book club with Emily because I needed to get out of the house, and I was honestly feeling so much better. Turns out it was a good choice because I laughed A LOT at the book swap, and had so much fun. Plus, I am really looking forward to reading the book I got!
On Thursday, I had another round of contractions, and severe pain, but nowhere near as bad as the day before. My MIL came and stayed the night, and my FIL sent flowers. I have the best in laws ever!
On Friday morning, my MIL left and our friends, Zach and Kari and their two kids came to stay with us for our staged reading of our show. Right after they got there, I went to clean myself up and actually pulled out the sac. That was incredibly traumatizing. I had no idea. I couldn't think or breath for a second while it was in the tissue in my hand. I collected me thoughts and remembered the doctor asked if I still had it, so I wrapped it in tissue until I could call him. I told Brian that under no circumstances was he to touch the wad of tissue because he would be sorry if he saw it. (Side note: It looked like this scary Kryptonian monster from The Justice League.... Ugh.) The longer I looked at it the easier it was to visualize how this thing could turn into a baby and I nearly lost it. (Don't be thinking I was looking at it for a very long time. It was no longer than 10 seconds. But, a lot goes through your mind in a moment like that.)
I suppressed it. I had to. I just had to get through the reading, and then I could be free to feel. I made it through. I put the wad of tissue in a container, under Kari's advice and stuck it in the fridge. I called the doctor the next day. He made me put it in some water. He said it should float. It did not float. I took pictures and sent them to him at his instructions. He said it for sure was the sac and he didn't see anything to give him concern, so I could flush it.
I haven't really been able to deal with all the emotion inside me. I am too scared to let it all out at once. It comes out in spurts. Brian and I were able to get away for a couple of nights though. My awesome brother and his wife stayed with the kids and we went to a hotel for two nights. It was super helpful, but I feel bad that I didn't get more emotion out and dealt with. It's hard for me to be around people who don't understand. I don't mean people who haven't been through the same thing, I mostly mean kids.
Luckily, I am not resenting mine or anything, but it is hard for me to be around them, when they can't comprehend that I am hurting. That I need space. That I might be cranky with them for a while.
I find myself wanting to yell out to the general public, "I HAD A MISCARRIAGE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" I feel a bit like Goob from Meet the Robinsons. (I couldn't find a meme or GIF for this, oddly enough.) I don't want to yell these things because I need pity, or hugs, or people bringing me food. Not that any of those things are bad! I just want people to know. That's all. I don't need to be treated differently per se, I just need to feel like people understand where I am coming from. That's all. That's why I am writing this. To get those feelings out there into the void. And, so "Goodnight, dear void." as Meg Ryan says.
***WARNING***
This is going to be sad. It's going to get to places that are TMI. If you don't think you can handle this story, stop reading.
I have never been a private person. I will tell you pretty much anything, if you ask. And, some even if you don't. I hate being alone. I have never in my whole life wanted to be alone. Until now. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I am not handling it very well.
I have to start at the very beginning. This story basically took all year. At the beginning of this year, I had basically decided that I wanted to start trying for our 3rd child in August. July came and I had some weird pain. The doctor sent me in for an MRI. They discovered my IUD was stuck in my uterus and needed to be removed.
Obviously, this was sucky. But, I thought to myself how wonderful! A sign that I am supposed to start trying in August, just like I had thought all this time!
Brian was less sure. He didn't feel ready, and I should have listened more to his feelings on the matter. By the end of September I had finally convinced him we were ready, and the longer we waited past August, the more sad I got that it wasn't happening. I was being very selfish in the whole deal, but he suffered it "as no one could have." as Knightley says.
My periods were right on time until November. When it was late after having been so punctual before, I started taking pregnancy tests right away. Each one came back negative. My heart hurt to much to really understand this. I took a new pregnancy test every 4-5 days. I couldn't understand why I wasn't having a period, or, apparently, a baby.
I looked up how a pregnancy test might come back as a false negative. They were not good answers. The reason that scared me the most was Ectopic pregnancy. This kind of pregnancy is super dangerous for the mother and the baby. I knew this was a risk with multiple c-sections, but I thought I had a couple more pregnancies before this really became a concern. I was panicked. I kept taking the pregnancy tests until Saturday, November 26th, when I finally got a positive. I felt a little relieved. But, I started to have weird pain. Not much, but just enough that I thought I should go see the doctor on Monday. On Monday, November 28th, I went in to see the doctor. I told him my last period was the very beginning of October, but that I didn't get the positive test until two days ago. He was concerned. He said either I ovulated 4 weeks late, or I was having an ectopic pregnancy, or I was about to have a miscarriage.
I hadn't even considered a miscarriage.
I kept calm. He wanted to check my hcg levels in my blood. I was supposed to get the normal blood work done that day, and come back Wednesday to see how much higher the levels were. In a normal pregnancy, your hcg levels go up by 1.5 times every two days.
I went to get my blood drawn, but I am a very hard stick, and generally dehydrated. The poor girl stuck me twice, and then said that was her limit and I should go home and hydrate and come back the next day.
I did not come back the next day. I had a lot of things to do that day, and I am sure they were all super important at the time, but I can't remember any of them. Then, that afternoon, James head butted me hard, on the nose, and gave me a concussion. .....Yay.... The week was off to a great start.
I went in the next day and there was a guy on duty. He stuck me about 2 times before calling in a nurse who had more experience. She stuck me about 3 times. The last time was what she called "a blind stick". Yes, thank you. That doesn't make me nervous at all.... But, she got it. I had bruises up and down my arms, but she got it. If there is one thing that gives away that you are pregnant before you are ready to tell people, it's massive bruises up and down your arms from your blood work. Luckily, I had the cold as an excuse for long sleeves.
I came back on Friday. The poor guy saw me and got nervous all over again. It took him a couple of tries, but he got it on his own. For the second draw they only needed half a tube. (For the first they needed 5 tubes.) So, that was nice.
The doctor called and told me that my levels went from 1500 (or maybe he said 15,000?) to 1800 (thousand?) in two days. He was starting to be very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday. On Sunday I started spotting. On Monday, we went in and they did an abdominal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said there was something that could be a gestational sac, but it was only measuring 5 weeks and the date of my last period suggested it should be measuring at 9 weeks. It's too early on to hear a heartbeat or anything, that heavens, or this might all have been a lot harder.
The doctor called on Tuesday, December 6th, and told me he was really upset with the tech for not doing a vaginal ultrasound, which I guess was better for telling if it's an ectopic pregnancy. He said as far as they could tell there was no internal bleeding. The doctor wanted me to come back and do another ultrasound the next day. The tech would be in his office that day, and he could come in for the ultrasound. He also wanted to get more blood drawn and see what the hcg levels were doing at this point. So, on Wednesday I was going to go in by myself, but I was in too much pain to drive. My amazing sister, Shannon, was watching the kids every day that I went to the doctor. (Which was 6 times in 10 days...) Brian had to take off some work time and go in with my because, I found out later, I was having contractions.
It may sound silly to you that I was having contractions and didn't know it, when I have already had two kids. But, I only had contractions with James and only after having an epidural. So, really, I had no idea what labor was really like. Yikes. It was painful.
The ultrasound proved there was no pooling of blood internally, and it for sure wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. Yay! But, they were also pretty sure based on the blood work that I was having a miscarriage. Not so yay. I went home and went through some more excruciating labor, and finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I jumped in a hot shower where I finally got some relief. After that, something weird came out, and I assumed it was the sac. Then there was no more pain. I called the doctor and told him I had passed the sac. He asked if I still had it. "Um... No? Why would I keep it?!" I thought to myself. He told me to rest and to take another at home pregnancy test after the bleeding had stopped, just to make sure there wasn't still going to be a pregnancy.
That night we called and told my in laws and asked my MIL to come help with the kids the next day. And, I went to book club with Emily because I needed to get out of the house, and I was honestly feeling so much better. Turns out it was a good choice because I laughed A LOT at the book swap, and had so much fun. Plus, I am really looking forward to reading the book I got!
On Thursday, I had another round of contractions, and severe pain, but nowhere near as bad as the day before. My MIL came and stayed the night, and my FIL sent flowers. I have the best in laws ever!
On Friday morning, my MIL left and our friends, Zach and Kari and their two kids came to stay with us for our staged reading of our show. Right after they got there, I went to clean myself up and actually pulled out the sac. That was incredibly traumatizing. I had no idea. I couldn't think or breath for a second while it was in the tissue in my hand. I collected me thoughts and remembered the doctor asked if I still had it, so I wrapped it in tissue until I could call him. I told Brian that under no circumstances was he to touch the wad of tissue because he would be sorry if he saw it. (Side note: It looked like this scary Kryptonian monster from The Justice League.... Ugh.) The longer I looked at it the easier it was to visualize how this thing could turn into a baby and I nearly lost it. (Don't be thinking I was looking at it for a very long time. It was no longer than 10 seconds. But, a lot goes through your mind in a moment like that.)
I suppressed it. I had to. I just had to get through the reading, and then I could be free to feel. I made it through. I put the wad of tissue in a container, under Kari's advice and stuck it in the fridge. I called the doctor the next day. He made me put it in some water. He said it should float. It did not float. I took pictures and sent them to him at his instructions. He said it for sure was the sac and he didn't see anything to give him concern, so I could flush it.
I haven't really been able to deal with all the emotion inside me. I am too scared to let it all out at once. It comes out in spurts. Brian and I were able to get away for a couple of nights though. My awesome brother and his wife stayed with the kids and we went to a hotel for two nights. It was super helpful, but I feel bad that I didn't get more emotion out and dealt with. It's hard for me to be around people who don't understand. I don't mean people who haven't been through the same thing, I mostly mean kids.
Luckily, I am not resenting mine or anything, but it is hard for me to be around them, when they can't comprehend that I am hurting. That I need space. That I might be cranky with them for a while.
I find myself wanting to yell out to the general public, "I HAD A MISCARRIAGE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" I feel a bit like Goob from Meet the Robinsons. (I couldn't find a meme or GIF for this, oddly enough.) I don't want to yell these things because I need pity, or hugs, or people bringing me food. Not that any of those things are bad! I just want people to know. That's all. I don't need to be treated differently per se, I just need to feel like people understand where I am coming from. That's all. That's why I am writing this. To get those feelings out there into the void. And, so "Goodnight, dear void." as Meg Ryan says.
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