One Big Holiday Family

 I thought I had posted about this theory before, but when I went to find the post, I didn't see it anywhere. I apologize if this is redundant. I just couldn't find the post, so here I go (again?).

I have this theory. This theory that Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are actually all part of one big holiday celebrating us, life, the world. I would say this holiday lasts three months, but I like to start it when Costco starts selling Pumpkin Pie, so thats the beginning of September. So, four month holiday it is!

Listen close. Halloween is a celebration of something we are not, although perhaps wish we could be. Thanksgiving is a celebration of who we really are and what we have! We have had a chance to step into someone else's shoes and now we sit down and realize how awesome it really is to be us. Once we are thankful for our own life, we celebrate Christmas by being thankful for the people around us, and giving back to them and our community.

Now that we have rediscovered how blessed we truly are and, hopefully, found new ways to help others around us, we celebrate New Year's. We celebrate by making new resolutions to be better, and do better, and leave our mark on the world somehow. 

The whole holiday season seems almost designed to help remind us of the important things in life. And, I love everything about that. I use this as an excuse to listen to Christmas music in September, but the truth is that Christmas music has an interesting effect on my brain. 

There's a fleeting, but amazing feeling that happens when you have been holding a muscle in a certain way for a long time. Perhaps you really didn't even notice how hard what you were doing was, but once you stop, that feeling of beautiful relief and peace washes over you. As I said before, this feeling is fleeting. But, it's actually a really nice feeling. That's the feeling my brain gets when I listen to Christmas music. I maybe didn't realize how hard and how long my brain had been working, and then I play "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" by Andy Williams and I can almost hear my brain sigh in relief.

This year has been particularly hard on everyone. I really understand everyone's need for Halloween. For normalcy. That chance to be something you're not, and to take a moment to step out of your problems. Do it. Do whatever it takes to help your brains feel that moment of relief (within reason and without endangering others). This year sucks. It is sucking for everyone, not just you. If you need to talk, I'm here. But, don't take Christmas music away from anyone this year. They need it. Just as you might need Halloween. And, that's really okay. 

I Am Not Okay

This lockdown has me feeling like I need to write some feelings down. I need to remember this. I am not usually the type of person who falls into "the depths of despair." I am not usually the person who gets anxiety so bad they can't breathe. But, as Alan Cummings says, "Everybody has their level."

I am not okay. No one is okay. And, that's supposed to be okay, I guess.

I see a lot of posts about how you just need to try your best to make it through this mess and not worry about your short comings. I am not sure I really know how to do that.

Things that are making this hard for me:
-Grieving the loss of my projects/activities
-Grieving the loss of my time while the kids were at school
-Trying to work
-Trying to let my husband work
-Getting behind in school when all I have to worry about is a first grader because I have straight up given up on Preschool.
-Trying to keep my house in any semblance of order.
-Trying to eat better because my liver hurts no matter what I eat.

Guys. I can't do all of this. I try to do all of it, and end up doing none of it. When you try to do a little bit of too many things, nothing gets done. You can't check off any boxes. But, focusing on one, just so you can check it off, also doesn't make sense because you are going to have that box again tomorrow. So, everything just keeps getting further and further behind.

How do you cope? How do you balance? What brings you joy? When the stress is getting to be too much for you, what do you do?

Where Are You Christmas?

I've been thinking about Christmas a lot lately. Anyone who knows me, knows I love Christmas. It's the best four months of the year! I say that jokingly because I start the countdown when Costco starts selling their pumpkin pie. But, also a little seriously because I have a whole theory about the holidays.

It started because I liked to pretend the kickoff was my birthday, October 11th. (Although, when Costco started selling pumpkin pie at the end of August, I won't pretend I wasn't overjoyed!) Obviously, my birth is awesome and a great way to kickoff a whole slew of holidays. The first is Halloween: a holiday where you pretend to be something you're not. Then, Thanksgiving: a holiday where you are grateful for who you are, and what you have. After that comes Christmas: the holiday where now that you know what you have, and you're grateful for it, you want to spread the joy and "share the wealth" as it were, so, you give to others, because you're grateful for everyone. Lastly, we ring in the New Year with goals to better ourselves and not forget what we have, or take it for granted, but to live life to the fullest! To make the most of who we are and what we have! But, I suppose by October we have forgotten and likely taken it for granted, again, and want to be somebody new. I kid, I kid.

This is one of my favorite theories. I love to think about the holidays this way! But, lately, I have had a sort of Christmas Ennui, if you will. Something that not even my beautiful theory can help or fix.

I think it started two years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest, Tacey. Boy, was that a heck of a pregnancy! A new problem every. Single. Month. I ended up in the ER on my birthday. Worst. Birthday. Ever. In November, I found out I had gestational diabetes and couldn't eat any of my favorite holiday foods. I was also on unofficial bedrest at this point, because everything I did caused serious pain. By the end of this pregnancy, even my doctor was sick of it, and we scheduled the c-section for exactly 38 weeks, because we both were done. And, you know it's bad when your doctor is over your pregnancy! January 2nd brought a beautiful baby girl, but no relief from the weird problems. We found out I had a kidney infection and it took 6 weeks a bunch of stupid crap to get rid of it. I was sick and in pain all winter, my favorite season.

Last year was worse. My MIL went in for surgery on one side of her heart in November, and she didn't come back out of that hospital until February. We half lived in the hospital, or at her house. My husbands siblings from out of state were constantly coming and going, we had Thanksgiving dinner together at the Chuck-a-rama across the street from her hospital. I don't even remember anything else that happened that whole holiday season, because it was all a blur of driving to and from the hospital or Centerville. Needless to say, not so cheery.

This year, nothing really terrible has happened, per se. We have been having trouble getting Brian a job and some other things have been stressful and we feel strained, but that's just been our life for the last... over a year now. I mean, none of that's new.

I told a friend I am really not sure if I am feeling overwhelmed, or just over Christmas, or if I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, I really sort of want Christmas to be over. It's starting to feel like Christmas and I are in a fight, but neither of us wants to acknowledge it openly. "We do not speak of it." We've become Elizabeth Taylor and Kim Novak in The Mirror Crack'd. And, that's definitely a sad state of affairs.

How do you bring back the jolly? Where do you find the magic?

The Game of Life?

***WARNING***
THIS POST GETS A LITTLE INTO THE TMI PORTIONS OF PREGNANCY, AND, TO SOME, MAY SOUND LIKE COMPLAINING. IF YOU KEEP READING, DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.

So, for those who haven't heard, I am not seven months pregnant. I am due with baby number 3 on January 16th. 3rd child, 2nd girl. We are super excited! And, while we are VERY excited, this has really been the pregnancy from Hell!

I know that every pregnancy is different. But, the differences between my pregnancy with James and my pregnancy with Aria were actually quite minimal. There has been nothing about this pregnancy that is even remotely similar to the other two.

The very beginning of June we found out I had a blood clot in my leg. It lasted so long and got so bad that I couldn't fly and missed my opportunity to leave the country for the first time, and I completely missed out on supporting my wonderful brother and sister in law when they got married in Spain in July. I was so sad! They prescribed me shots for my clot and, long story short, I couldn't get the month's supply I was prescribed, only 3 days worth. That turned out to be a blessing because at the end of three days I felt like I was literally dying. I was too weak to get out of bed, and I was cold ALL THE TIME. It took a few days to recover after I stopped taking the shots. The good news is, the clot went away.

The bad news is, that isn't where the bad news stops. The clot cleared up around the end of July. Following the clot's demise I started cramping. A lot, and all the time. I'm sorry that's not true. I only cramp a lot when I walk around, more than about 20 feet at a time. It feels akin to some of my worse menstrual cycles with cysts on my ovaries. Very sharp. VERY painful. It has lasted upwards of 9 hours before, and so far, no one can tell me why or what's happening. So, that's fun. When the cramps get really bad, the baby freaks out. Which also seems to stump medical professionals. That's not really comforting.

The only pain that I knew I had signed up for, I had with Aria as well. It seems that most women who have had C-Sections and then have another birth get to experience the joy that is tearing scar tissue as your new baby gets bigger. It takes you by surprise every time. The good news is this pain doesn't last too long. It's quick, like tearing off a bandaid. Or, rather, like the slicing of a knife through your middle. Without the linger pain that would accompany that action, if it had really happened to you.

Sometimes the tearing pain can set off the cramping, and it's super helpful when they team up to plot your demise.

Some of you already know that I deal with a cyst on my tailbone most of the time. Well, when you are pregnant, those get bigger and more painful. I have to keep putting stuff on it to keep it from opening. This cyst was, apparently, feeling lonely and called in some back up. On my birthday I went to the hospital for the cramping pain because it had been going for hours and they told me to go to the ER if it happened again. Some of you may have heard how that turned out. (Wrong hospital, not covered by insurance, had to pay out of pocket. That's the short version.)

A day or so after that hospital visit is when I developed the second cyst. This one was up in what my friend likes to call "my lady bits". It was not inside it, but just outside. Let's just say sitting became problematic in ANY position. And, peeing gave me anxiety.

The doctor put me on Amoxicillin and the cyst cleared up. The bad news is that amoxicillin doesn't like me and made me drowsy and unable to eat or drink much of anything, so I went down in weight again. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the medicine, even though I have been off it for around 10 days.

As soon as the new cyst cleared up, the doctor and I both realized that I, now 29 weeks, had not done my glucose test (usually done around 24-26 weeks) or my RhoGAM shot (usually done at 28 weeks) because we were so busy trying to figure out what the devil my body is playing at. Hours in doctors offices and hospitals later, I got the shot, and failed both glucose tests. CONGRATULATIONS! You now have Gestational Diabetes.

After we found out, I told Brian that all this time I thought I had just been playing the worst round of The Game of Life ever played. But, then I realized I wasn't playing Life at all. I'm playing The Oregon Trail...Let's hope this pregnancy doesn't end with Dysentery.

Only 10 weeks to go, people. I can do this.

Resolutions, Goals, And What Have You

I want to post about my New Year's Resolutions, but first I want to give a little update.

Apparently, in all the drama, I had totally forgotten that the doctor said to stay on my prenatals. I am back on them, and doing much better. I still get a little sad, but I'm not randomly bursting into tears or randomly shouting at Brian and the kids anymore. So, that's wonderful! I feel much more like myself and I am sleeping much better. All good things.

Brian and I have picked up a new client that we intend to share with Emily and Soren. It's just editing videos, so it's easy stuff, but extra money for us all. Hooray!

Some of you know I have been writing a screenplay for a TV show with my friend, Kari. We are several drafts into the first two episodes, and had two successful staged readings of those episodes, which gave us some very helpful feedback! Episodes 3 and 4 are still in drafting. We are currently working on our pitch presentation with the help of Kari's father, who does things similar to this for a living. Beginning of February, Kari and her family should be moving up here from St. George which will make our working together SO MUCH EASIER. Also, she is one of my closest friends and I am just ecstatic to be closer to them!

James is doing well with potty training. He usually can stay dry all night, and will wake up to go potty in the night, but we did have a little accident last night/this morning. He still wears a pull-up, usually, while we run errands, but has occasionally gone in underwear and been fine. Even when he is in a pull-up, he is still pretty good about going potty. He won't poop by sitting on the toilet seat anymore though. Once he learned he could pee standing up, he decided he need to poop standing up. While the seat is up, he sort of leans his bum up just enough to poop in the toilet. He is so silly!

He also gets to start Primary this year! Woo hoo! I am a little nervous because he just LOVED nursery. But, we went and met his teachers yesterday, and he seemed to do well with that. He would have gone today, but we all stayed home from church sick. We are mostly getting over it, but it turns out, James just started.

Aria is doing well. We are slowly but surely working our way to finishing her room. It still is somewhat of a storage room for us, but we made a lot of progress in there this week. I can't wait to finish it! It's going to be amazing!

Okay, now you're all caught up on us. Let's talk about New Year's Resolutions. It's maybe a tad late to be calling them that. Maybe they are just Goals For The Year. Whatever. Here they are:

1- Blog more. Big shocker. This was on my list last year, and while I didn't do every week, like I wanted, I did okay in the beginning. But, I definitely fizzled out quickly. Hopefully, I can at least post every month this year.

2-Take more photos/be in more photos/keep up with my instagram. I love the Chatbooks app and I have been terrible about keeping up with it. But, it's the easiest/cheapest way to scrapbook and journal at the same time. All you do is post to Instagram and it does the rest of the work for you. But, I also feel I am not in enough photos. Especially Brian and I together. I heard somewhere that your kids don't care if you don't feel you look your best, they want to remember you anyway. I want to give them that.

3- Get a planner/use said planner. My memory is becoming totally useless and I don't listen to my phone when it tells me to do stuff anymore. If I could train myself to look at a planner and trust my planner and go through my schedule every night, it would help me out a bunch! I have also found a bunch of fun planner pages/stickers/kits that will be fun for me to do. I am having Brian help me make some too, since not everyone is as into Classic Hollywood as I am. He already has a bunch of minimalist art from the time, and now he is going to help me make other kinds of art to turn into stickers and pages and such.

4- Read more. I think this may also have been on my list last year. I don't think this really happened at all. I found a list of 26 books to read this year. They aren't titles, just descriptions (i.e., a book someone recommends to you, a book by a female, a book published over 100 years ago, etc.) So, I have slowly been filling it out. When I finish it I will publish it on here as a separate post and link it here.

5- Go on monthly adventures. This was also on my last years list, but I actually think we totally accomplished this one! And, then some! We did so many fun new things as a family! Not all of them were new, I guess, but we did some great stuff. This year I hope to be better at keeping a record of it. Hopefully, each monthly post on the blog will contain our adventures of the previous month. That's the goal anyway...

6- Monthly theme word. Everyone is coming up with their mantra for the year, and I like the idea, but I want to do a new one every month. I will have to get back to you on my word for this month though. Maybe it should be Change. I need to be more open to change, and trying new things. Yeah, let's going with Change.

7- Get organized. Ugh, my room. My closets throughout the house. The kids rooms. All of it. We are in desperate need of organization in this house.

8- Finish Aria's Room. Please Bless! So much left to do.

9- Dance Regularly. I finally got permission to dance at the church, and may have at least one person interested in doing it with me. We are starting out with Monday and Wednesday mornings. This is such good exercise for me! I love dance!

10- Be more social. I need more friends and definitely need more Friend Time. I need to get out, hang out, be with adults sometimes. Any volunteers?

11- Night Time Yoga/Meditation. My anxiety attacks have sort of been through the roof the last few months. I think a short yoga and/or meditation routine every night before bed could seriously benefit me.

12- Travel More. We are planning on going to Spain this summer for my brother in laws wedding! That's exciting because I have not yet left the country. It's also stressful because in order to get a passport, I must first get a new birth certificate, because the state of California has decided mine is no longer valid... I hate them for it. They can go jump in the ocean.

13- 8 Week Challenge. My sister started an 8 Week Challenge this week, and I will probably start tomorrow. You get points for certain things like drinking enough water, or going without sugar, etc. You report back to her. I don't think you get a prize, so much as someone to hold you accountable. That's really what I need. She also bought a treadmill recently that she said I could come use. If I do dance on Mondays and Wednesdays then maybe I could go to her house to run for a bit on Tuesdays and Thursdays and BONUS, my children would get a play date out of it! Sounds good to me.

If you made it through that whole post, you deserve a prize. Holy smokes that is long! But, it feels good to get all that out there in the open. What are your resolutions/goals this year?

Update: New Understanding

I've been saying I wanted to post an update since I wrote my last post, but I haven't gotten around to it. Partly because I am busy, and partly because I think I haven't wanted to face the emotion again. It was helpful to write about it last time, but it is hard for me to be that vulnerable.

I told Brian, and my SIL, Emily, that I didn't realize until last week that having a miscarriage means that literally a part of you has died. I feel like that part was part of my brain. Pregnancy brain is serious stuff, but I think that miscarriage brain is just so much worse. I forget everything, but I am also violently angry at times for forgetting things. When I was pregnant, I would forget everything, but I feel I just adopted a "Meh" feeling towards the memory loss.

Have you ever felt like you could go either way on an issue? Like you could really understand both sides, and you just didn't know which side to choose? I have taken this idea to the extreme. I am becoming two very different people. Some days, I feel like I am fine. Sad, but fine. I can do this. I do my house work, I do my work-work, I mother my children, I go about my daily life, and in most ways nothing has even changed. I am sad about what happened, but I see the good things that are coming from this and I know that soon I will try again and have another baby.

But, there is also a very different me. One who can't see a way past this. Who doesn't understand why this had to happen, or even why she was so set on having this baby to begin with. She just wants the pain to stop. She wants to scream at passers by that her heart is broken. She wants her mom to come and hold her and tell her it will be alright. She wants to lay in bed all day watching old movies. Okay, that last part is true every day...

You know, it's interesting. I find that even though I was very sad when my mom died, I have actually come a long way, and find that I don't miss her very often. I am not one of those people who frequently needed their mommy. But, I find that has changed now. My mother went through three miscarriages between me and my little brother. I don't know how she did it. I know she kept trying because she felt like Jake was coming and she had to let him. But, I can't fathom that kind of emotional strength right now. I met a lady once who had had 17 miscarriages and 3 live births. I have been trying to wrap my brain around that since I met her, and, frankly, it seems even harder to understand now.

I am very thankful that I do not seem to be resenting my children. However, I do find that their crying, their fighting, their pawing me, and their accidentally hitting mommy in the face routines are getting very old. Every day it seems I need to hide out in my room for a little while because I can't take it. They don't understand that I can't be there for them right now. I don't understand it myself. I turn into mean mommy way too often these days. But, I am hopeful that I am getting better. Normally, I have a little down time every day where I can watch something. That's how I unwind. That's how I process. I haven't really had that time lately.

I have been really stressed because Brian hasn't had a lot of time off of work and there were so many things I wanted to get done before he had to go back. We got a lot of it done, but yesterday, his last day off, we didn't do much of anything. I took a mental health day, and it took me far too long to realize that that was a good use of his time off. It was helpful, it really was! But, I think I got backed up. Not being able to release day to day stresses gets hard enough, but add to those what I have been going through, and the pressure can be unbearable.

I have several Fangirl Facebook pages that I am a part of, and, luckily, they are a phenomenal support system for me. No matter what any of us go through, we are all there to listen. It's actually really amazing the bond I have created with these women, most of whom I have never met. I posted today in the Mommy group about feeling like maybe I am dealing with some postpartum depression here. I can't be sure because I never had that with either of my kids before. They recommended I talk to my OB and possibly get a therapist. I want to, but I am hesitant.

See, the part of me that is "fine" just tells the other part of me to stop being such a baby. She says lots of women go through this and they are fine. She tells me those women didn't need professional help and neither do I. But, what does she know? Nobody ever talks about miscarriages. How would either of me know what "most women" do when this happens? I want to talk about miscarriages more. I wish I had known what I know now before I had had miscarriages. It might have helped me prepare. It might not have, but I guess now we will never know.

A Rough Christmas

I want to tell you a story. A really long story. Not because I think you need to hear it, so much as I just need to tell it.

***WARNING***
This is going to be sad. It's going to get to places that are TMI. If you don't think you can handle this story, stop reading.

I have never been a private person. I will tell you pretty much anything, if you ask. And, some even if you don't. I hate being alone. I have never in my whole life wanted to be alone. Until now. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I am not handling it very well.

I have to start at the very beginning. This story basically took all year. At the beginning of this year, I had basically decided that I wanted to start trying for our 3rd child in August. July came and I had some weird pain. The doctor sent me in for an MRI. They discovered my IUD was stuck in my uterus and needed to be removed.

Obviously, this was sucky. But, I thought to myself how wonderful! A sign that I am supposed to start trying in August, just like I had thought all this time!

Brian was less sure. He didn't feel ready, and I should have listened more to his feelings on the matter. By the end of September I had finally convinced him we were ready, and the longer we waited past August, the more sad I got that it wasn't happening. I was being very selfish in the whole deal, but he suffered it "as no one could have." as Knightley says.

My periods were right on time until November. When it was late after having been so punctual before, I started taking pregnancy tests right away. Each one came back negative. My heart hurt to much to really understand this. I took a  new pregnancy test every 4-5 days. I couldn't understand why I wasn't having a period, or, apparently, a baby.

I looked up how a pregnancy test might come back as a false negative. They were not good answers. The reason that scared me the most was Ectopic pregnancy. This kind of pregnancy is super dangerous for the mother and the baby. I knew this was a risk with multiple c-sections, but I thought I had a couple more pregnancies before this really became a concern. I was panicked. I kept taking the pregnancy tests until Saturday, November 26th, when I finally got a positive. I felt a little relieved. But, I started to have weird pain. Not much, but just enough that I thought I should go see the doctor on Monday. On Monday, November 28th, I went in to see the doctor. I told him my last period was the very beginning of October, but that I didn't get the positive test until two days ago. He was concerned. He said either I ovulated 4 weeks late, or I was having an ectopic pregnancy, or I was about to have a miscarriage.

I hadn't even considered a miscarriage.

I kept calm. He wanted to check my hcg levels in my blood. I was supposed to get the normal blood work done that day, and come back Wednesday to see how much higher the levels were. In a normal pregnancy, your hcg levels go up by 1.5 times every two days.

I went to get my blood drawn, but I am a very hard stick, and generally dehydrated. The poor girl stuck me twice, and then said that was her limit and I should go home and hydrate and come back the next day.

I did not come back the next day. I had a lot of things to do that day, and I am sure they were all super important at the time, but I can't remember any of them. Then, that afternoon, James head butted me hard, on the nose, and gave me a concussion. .....Yay.... The week was off to a great start.

I went in the next day and there was a guy on duty. He stuck me about 2 times before calling in a nurse who had more experience. She stuck me about 3 times. The last time was what she called "a blind stick". Yes, thank you. That doesn't make me nervous at all.... But, she got it. I had bruises up and down my arms, but she got it. If there is one thing that gives away that you are pregnant before you are ready to tell people, it's massive bruises up and down your arms from your blood work. Luckily, I had the cold as an excuse for long sleeves.

I came back on Friday. The poor guy saw me and got nervous all over again. It took him a couple of tries, but he got it on his own. For the second draw they only needed half a tube. (For the first they needed 5 tubes.) So, that was nice.

The doctor called and told me that my levels went from 1500 (or maybe he said 15,000?) to 1800 (thousand?) in two days. He was starting to be very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday. On Sunday I started spotting. On Monday, we went in and they did an abdominal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said there was something that could be a gestational sac, but it was only measuring 5 weeks and the date of my last period suggested it should be measuring at 9 weeks. It's too early on to hear a heartbeat or anything, that heavens, or this might all have been a lot harder.

The doctor called on Tuesday, December 6th,  and told me he was really upset with the tech for not doing a vaginal ultrasound, which I guess was better for telling if it's an ectopic pregnancy. He said as far as they could tell there was no internal bleeding. The doctor wanted me to come back and do another ultrasound the next day. The tech would be in his office that day, and he could come in for the ultrasound. He also wanted to get more blood drawn and see what the hcg levels were doing at this point. So, on Wednesday I was going to go in by myself, but I was in too much pain to drive. My amazing sister, Shannon, was watching the kids every day that I went to the doctor. (Which was 6 times in 10 days...) Brian had to take off some work time and go in with my because, I found out later, I was having contractions.

It may sound silly to you that I was having contractions and didn't know it, when I have already had two kids. But, I only had contractions with James and only after having an epidural. So, really, I had no idea what labor was really like. Yikes. It was painful.

The ultrasound proved there was no pooling of blood internally, and it for sure wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. Yay! But, they were also pretty sure based on the blood work that I was having a miscarriage. Not so yay. I went home and went through some more excruciating labor, and finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I jumped in a hot shower where I finally got some relief. After that, something weird came out, and I assumed it was the sac. Then there was no more pain. I called the doctor and told him I had passed the sac. He asked if I still had it. "Um... No? Why would I keep it?!" I thought to myself. He told me to rest and to take another at home pregnancy test after the bleeding had stopped, just to make sure there wasn't still going to be a pregnancy.

That night we called and told my in laws and asked my MIL to come help with the kids the next day. And, I went to book club with Emily because I needed to get out of the house, and I was honestly feeling so much better. Turns out it was a good choice because I laughed A LOT at the book swap, and had so much fun. Plus, I am really looking forward to reading the book I got!

On Thursday, I had another round of contractions, and severe pain, but nowhere near as bad as the day before. My MIL came and stayed the night, and my FIL sent flowers. I have the best in laws ever!

On Friday morning, my MIL left and our friends, Zach and Kari and their two kids came to stay with us for our staged reading of our show. Right after they got there, I went to clean myself up and actually pulled out the sac. That was incredibly traumatizing. I had no idea. I couldn't think or breath for a second while it was in the tissue in my hand. I collected me thoughts and remembered the doctor asked if I still had it, so I wrapped it in tissue until I could call him. I told Brian that under no circumstances was he to touch the wad of tissue because he would be sorry if he saw it. (Side note: It looked like this scary Kryptonian monster from The Justice League.... Ugh.) The longer I looked at it the easier it was to visualize how this thing could turn into a baby and I nearly lost it. (Don't be thinking I was looking at it for a very long time. It was no longer than 10 seconds. But, a lot goes through your mind in a moment like that.)

I suppressed it. I had to. I just had to get through the reading, and then I could be free to feel. I made it through. I put the wad of tissue in a container, under Kari's advice and stuck it in the fridge. I called the doctor the next day. He made me put it in some water. He said it should float. It did not float. I took pictures and sent them to him at his instructions. He said it for sure was the sac and he didn't see anything to give him concern, so I could flush it.

I haven't really been able to deal with all the emotion inside me. I am too scared to let it all out at once. It comes out in spurts. Brian and I were able to get away for a couple of nights though. My awesome brother and his wife stayed with the kids and we went to a hotel for two nights. It was super helpful, but I feel bad that I didn't get more emotion out and dealt with. It's hard for me to be around people who don't understand. I don't mean people who haven't been through the same thing, I mostly mean kids.

Luckily, I am not resenting mine or anything, but it is hard for me to be around them, when they can't comprehend that I am hurting. That I need space. That I might be cranky with them for a while.

I find myself wanting to yell out to the general public, "I HAD A MISCARRIAGE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" I feel a bit like Goob from Meet the Robinsons. (I couldn't find a meme or GIF for this, oddly enough.) I don't want to yell these things because I need pity, or hugs, or people bringing me food. Not that any of those things are bad! I just want people to know. That's all. I don't need to be treated differently per se, I just need to feel like people understand where I am coming from. That's all. That's why I am writing this. To get those feelings out there into the void. And, so "Goodnight, dear void." as Meg Ryan says.