Update: New Understanding

I've been saying I wanted to post an update since I wrote my last post, but I haven't gotten around to it. Partly because I am busy, and partly because I think I haven't wanted to face the emotion again. It was helpful to write about it last time, but it is hard for me to be that vulnerable.

I told Brian, and my SIL, Emily, that I didn't realize until last week that having a miscarriage means that literally a part of you has died. I feel like that part was part of my brain. Pregnancy brain is serious stuff, but I think that miscarriage brain is just so much worse. I forget everything, but I am also violently angry at times for forgetting things. When I was pregnant, I would forget everything, but I feel I just adopted a "Meh" feeling towards the memory loss.

Have you ever felt like you could go either way on an issue? Like you could really understand both sides, and you just didn't know which side to choose? I have taken this idea to the extreme. I am becoming two very different people. Some days, I feel like I am fine. Sad, but fine. I can do this. I do my house work, I do my work-work, I mother my children, I go about my daily life, and in most ways nothing has even changed. I am sad about what happened, but I see the good things that are coming from this and I know that soon I will try again and have another baby.

But, there is also a very different me. One who can't see a way past this. Who doesn't understand why this had to happen, or even why she was so set on having this baby to begin with. She just wants the pain to stop. She wants to scream at passers by that her heart is broken. She wants her mom to come and hold her and tell her it will be alright. She wants to lay in bed all day watching old movies. Okay, that last part is true every day...

You know, it's interesting. I find that even though I was very sad when my mom died, I have actually come a long way, and find that I don't miss her very often. I am not one of those people who frequently needed their mommy. But, I find that has changed now. My mother went through three miscarriages between me and my little brother. I don't know how she did it. I know she kept trying because she felt like Jake was coming and she had to let him. But, I can't fathom that kind of emotional strength right now. I met a lady once who had had 17 miscarriages and 3 live births. I have been trying to wrap my brain around that since I met her, and, frankly, it seems even harder to understand now.

I am very thankful that I do not seem to be resenting my children. However, I do find that their crying, their fighting, their pawing me, and their accidentally hitting mommy in the face routines are getting very old. Every day it seems I need to hide out in my room for a little while because I can't take it. They don't understand that I can't be there for them right now. I don't understand it myself. I turn into mean mommy way too often these days. But, I am hopeful that I am getting better. Normally, I have a little down time every day where I can watch something. That's how I unwind. That's how I process. I haven't really had that time lately.

I have been really stressed because Brian hasn't had a lot of time off of work and there were so many things I wanted to get done before he had to go back. We got a lot of it done, but yesterday, his last day off, we didn't do much of anything. I took a mental health day, and it took me far too long to realize that that was a good use of his time off. It was helpful, it really was! But, I think I got backed up. Not being able to release day to day stresses gets hard enough, but add to those what I have been going through, and the pressure can be unbearable.

I have several Fangirl Facebook pages that I am a part of, and, luckily, they are a phenomenal support system for me. No matter what any of us go through, we are all there to listen. It's actually really amazing the bond I have created with these women, most of whom I have never met. I posted today in the Mommy group about feeling like maybe I am dealing with some postpartum depression here. I can't be sure because I never had that with either of my kids before. They recommended I talk to my OB and possibly get a therapist. I want to, but I am hesitant.

See, the part of me that is "fine" just tells the other part of me to stop being such a baby. She says lots of women go through this and they are fine. She tells me those women didn't need professional help and neither do I. But, what does she know? Nobody ever talks about miscarriages. How would either of me know what "most women" do when this happens? I want to talk about miscarriages more. I wish I had known what I know now before I had had miscarriages. It might have helped me prepare. It might not have, but I guess now we will never know.