I've been thinking about Christmas a lot lately. Anyone who knows me, knows I love Christmas. It's the best four months of the year! I say that jokingly because I start the countdown when Costco starts selling their pumpkin pie. But, also a little seriously because I have a whole theory about the holidays.
It started because I liked to pretend the kickoff was my birthday, October 11th. (Although, when Costco started selling pumpkin pie at the end of August, I won't pretend I wasn't overjoyed!) Obviously, my birth is awesome and a great way to kickoff a whole slew of holidays. The first is Halloween: a holiday where you pretend to be something you're not. Then, Thanksgiving: a holiday where you are grateful for who you are, and what you have. After that comes Christmas: the holiday where now that you know what you have, and you're grateful for it, you want to spread the joy and "share the wealth" as it were, so, you give to others, because you're grateful for everyone. Lastly, we ring in the New Year with goals to better ourselves and not forget what we have, or take it for granted, but to live life to the fullest! To make the most of who we are and what we have! But, I suppose by October we have forgotten and likely taken it for granted, again, and want to be somebody new. I kid, I kid.
This is one of my favorite theories. I love to think about the holidays this way! But, lately, I have had a sort of Christmas Ennui, if you will. Something that not even my beautiful theory can help or fix.
I think it started two years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest, Tacey. Boy, was that a heck of a pregnancy! A new problem every. Single. Month. I ended up in the ER on my birthday. Worst. Birthday. Ever. In November, I found out I had gestational diabetes and couldn't eat any of my favorite holiday foods. I was also on unofficial bedrest at this point, because everything I did caused serious pain. By the end of this pregnancy, even my doctor was sick of it, and we scheduled the c-section for exactly 38 weeks, because we both were done. And, you know it's bad when your doctor is over your pregnancy! January 2nd brought a beautiful baby girl, but no relief from the weird problems. We found out I had a kidney infection and it took 6 weeks a bunch of stupid crap to get rid of it. I was sick and in pain all winter, my favorite season.
Last year was worse. My MIL went in for surgery on one side of her heart in November, and she didn't come back out of that hospital until February. We half lived in the hospital, or at her house. My husbands siblings from out of state were constantly coming and going, we had Thanksgiving dinner together at the Chuck-a-rama across the street from her hospital. I don't even remember anything else that happened that whole holiday season, because it was all a blur of driving to and from the hospital or Centerville. Needless to say, not so cheery.
This year, nothing really terrible has happened, per se. We have been having trouble getting Brian a job and some other things have been stressful and we feel strained, but that's just been our life for the last... over a year now. I mean, none of that's new.
I told a friend I am really not sure if I am feeling overwhelmed, or just over Christmas, or if I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, I really sort of want Christmas to be over. It's starting to feel like Christmas and I are in a fight, but neither of us wants to acknowledge it openly. "We do not speak of it." We've become Elizabeth Taylor and Kim Novak in The Mirror Crack'd. And, that's definitely a sad state of affairs.
How do you bring back the jolly? Where do you find the magic?
